I Did Not Believe Anita Hill: When Internalized Misogynoir Shows Up
I Did Not Believe Anita Hill
When I was in high school during the Thomas confirmation hearings, I did not believe Anita Hill. The person I am today finds it hard to acknowledge that. Yet, I know I did not believe her, because I was taught to not believe Black Women.
I was taught that my blackness was paramount. That it was “us” [Black males and females] against the world. Even though I knew in the back of my mind that sexual violence perpetrated against Black female bodies was overwhelmingly done so by Black males, it did not matter. The only thing that mattered was my blackness. So, girlhood and womanhood would be sacrificed in order to not bring hostile systems into our community. We would remain silent and be martyrs so that we would not be responsible for sending a Black man to prison — -even if it meant placing ourselves in our own psychological ones. I did not know then that only 1 in 16 of us ever told. I did not know then how society sexualized us to the point where we began to believe that we are responsible for how we are treated. No one told me, but I knew we did not talk about it. And I learned as I listened as the elders clicked their tongues and called girls “fast” while lamenting how their poor sons were being “trapped” into making problematic sexual choices.
I listened.
I internalized.
I believed these things about myself.
It was not as much that there was doubt that Thomas sexually harassed Ms. Hill — -but it was moreso disbelief that she did not offer herself up on the altar of Protecting Black Men , but instead would (selfishly) insist that there should be consequences for his actions.
I grew up being taught to listen for trigger words such as “modern-day lynching” that when spoken would cause me to push aside any evidence of wrongdoing — -because we had to “save our own”. Ironically, although I was more Anita (black and female) than I was Thomas (technically Black), society had raised be to align and covet Blackness and put Black maleness on this pedestal that stayed there on the backs of Black women. My conditioned mind told me that Thomas mattered, and Ms. Hill — -not as much.
He was confirmed. Instinctively I cheered, but something in me felt hollow. Something in me felt uncomfortable as for the first time, I allowed myself to actually look at Ms. Hill. To actually look at myself…in my girlhood, and begin to question this belief that I had to choose — -and if the choice was made, the push from my community would always be to prioritize my blackness — — even if it meant betraying others who looked like me.
I did not believe Anita Hill. I was conditioned to not believe Anita Hill.
I believed that Black Girl’s and Women’s bodies and lives were for sacrifice.
Then, I really looked at Anita Hill and in doing so, my teenage self finally looked at me.
My cheers turned to unbearable sorrow as I realized that not only had I betrayed Ms. Hill, I had betrayed myself.
Dr. Tyffani Dent is a Licensed Psychologist and Author. She works diligently to help girls and women acknowledge and prioritize their intersectionality. She fully believes that Black Girls Matter. She fully believes and admires Anita Hill. (NOTE: This blog is a repost from one written by Dr. Tyffani in September 2018)