Don’t Call Me Auntie” Reimagining the Intergenerational Relationships Between Black Women
I have been an aunt since I was about 8 years old (Shout-out to my oldest niece Candis and to the large family practice of having siblings that can be a decade apart). There has been no greater joy (other than parenting my own children), than being an “auntie” to my over 20 nieces and nephews. Yet, this ongoing phenomena of younger generations of Black women immediately wanting to give me “Auntie Status” does not sit well with me.
And it is not because I am under some illusion that I am not “old enough” to be an aunt,
Or that I want to deny being in community with them
I understand that it is a term of endearment
I fully embrace the idea of it signifying the familial connections that Black folks make to each other in a world that has done everything it could (Slavery, mass incarceration, etc) to not allow those to prosper.
Claiming these bonds can be healing
Yet, “auntie” also comes with a dynamic that often insists that the “Auntie” Black woman serve in a role that she is not necessarily pursuing.
“Auntie” comes with a level of responsibility I do not always want or seek.
The “Auntie Dynamic” is not usually reciprocal.
Instead, it places the “Auntie” in the position of constantly giving, while getting nothing in return
Auntie is the listener of the difficulties, without the space for her own stressors to be heard
Auntie is the giver of Sage Advice, yet the problems she needs to process are given no oxygen
Auntie is the nurturer; while there are no arms being wrapped around her when she is exhausted
Auntie is required to pave the way and fight the battles so “the nieces” do not have to — -but those battle scars are not treated, and the battle fatigue is not acknowledged
Auntie is to celebrate your successes, with her own simply being seen as opening the doors for your own
Auntie’s need for peace and solitude are secondary to “the nieces” desire to talk, share, cry, and vent
As I get older, I am desiring the title of “fellow Black Woman”, “Sister”, “Friend”, because in these titles, my humanity is acknowledged.
In these titles, there is an understanding that we exist for each other — because we should occupy equal space in each other’s lives
Black women need to support Black women.
That is crucial for our physical and emotional survival.
Yet, Black women should never demand (or expect) that another Black woman should give of themselves to the extent that their own needs take a backseat
We must not insist that they take on the martyr role that has been thrust on them for centuries within our own community and within the larger society
We can honor the wisdom of our elders, while still making sure that their own need to learn is recognized in their interactions with us
We can recognize their strength, while being the ones with whom they can be vulnerable
We can love them, while consciously doing so in a way in which they truly feel loved — -and SEEN
For my younger generation of Black women and girls, my arms remain open to you with the understanding that yours must open for me as well (when I need it)
The only way we can truly be free is if we do for each other, and together
#BlackWomen #Auntie #CenteringSisters #DrTyffani
Dr. Dent is a licensed psychologist. Her hardest job is being a Black Woman who centers the experiences of Black women and girls. She sends love to all of her nieces and nephews who have made her aware of the joys (and challenges) of being “Auntie”. Make sure to “Like” her page and listen to her on the Centering Sisters Videocast on Facebook Live (@CenteringSisters) and on Youtube